A peek behind the veil

[Humm1lity]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to start this topic to share my thoughts, feelings and reflections on what I find deeply meaningful. I was also hoping that it could spark a simple campfire-sharing on how you got where you are in your life, and how your views have changed over the years.

I grew up in a pentecostal family, which to everyone else just means that I was “super” christian growing up. I really wanted to believe in God, and I read the bible a lot and prayed. I mostly lost that zeal after being deeply depressed, and realizing I couldn’t pray my way out of it.

Meeting the heathens and not feeling that wooly safety of God, was very, very scary. It also felt very liberating, but I also noticed that I did not fit into partying or getting drunk. I felt smaller in the world, but I also had more control. I still felt different, as I didn’t know a lot of the ‘codes’ in secular society.

I joined the Future in our hands organization for a couple of years, meeting a lot of people interested in climate-change and sustainability. I was terrified and felt stuck in the helplessness of thinking that whatever I did, it would never be without a cost. The food I ate, the life I lived, it all had a cost on nature, social costs and a cost on myself. I also noticed many similarities between preaching about God and Jesus, sin and hell, and how climate change was portrayed. It put me off as time went on.

Gradually I let my feeling of helplessness go, and managed to focus on myself, the one person I thought I could actually change. I met a long-time practitioner of Non-violent communication, and was mesmerized by her congruency, how she expressed non-aggression and assertiveness at the same time. I didn’t feel ready to practice it though, as to me it was a theory very hard to apply.

Lastly, I met my life-partner. That has been another paradigm-shift, but this time it felt more like really coming home. Not wandering throught different modes of being, but reaching a altitute where I am at peace and aiming to settle down and actually build something. Walking through pain, suffering, pure joy and healing together… And understanding how limited my own understanding of the world has been. It has been groundbreaking. Spiral Dynamics has been a useful theory to mirror some of the visions and dreams we have. Even though it is a mostly dry and theoretical framework - I like how similarly to my different paragraphs here, there are points in life on which the perspective might radically change.

For the future, I want to find other explorers, people that can and want nothing more than to work on visions that reach far into the future, and see deep connection as part of that. I want to share life with them, deeply, like astronauts on a long trek to a new and unexplored star. I also want to develop my underdeveloped abilities, things like practical things - Permaculture, programming - but also being emotional, vulnerable and more structured. Having understood how vastly life can change, but also understanding and connecting with myself more deeply - I know that there are possibly very few people able to genuinely share this meta-journey with us. There is an expectant sorrow there, that is existential and goes into my bones. This was a peek behind the veil from me. Anyone want to go next?

[ryan_lett]

Hi @Humm1lity, letting you know that I just added the tags “values” and “stories” to your topic! We’re trying to keep this forum pretty organized, so if you can add relevant tags to your future topics, we’d appreciate that participation. You can learn more about adding tags in our Getting Started document! I hope this helps bring people to your discussion as well. All the best.

[Lila_Heard]

Thank you for sharing and opening this discussion. I’m searching for visionaries and dreamers and would love to talk to you sometime, hopefully we will connect through this discussion, I hope others will join in.

I am very liberal in my beliefs now but was always curious about the Christian religion and went to a lot of different churches. I became a Jehovah’s Witness because of their beliefs about world politics, consumerism, and helping with restoration of the earth. It took a long time to realize that they were like everyone else, dependent on and perpetuating the very things they were condemning, and that everyone was waiting for someone to save them rather than realizing we already have the tools to do it ourselves. There is no lack, only mismanagement.

So, I walked away from everything and the past 10 years I’ve been on a journey of traveling and trying to figure out where I belong.

I have a lot of controversial beliefs, including the 12-step program becoming controlled opposition…I have lived with addicts and have worked in addiction rehab so know a little bit about the dis-ease. Initially it can be a good thing, but I am a firm believer that we need to step out of our old stories and start conversations about visions and dreams.

I’m not sure what it is I do but I have felt like an alien on this planet since I was 3 and realize now that it’s probably because I live close to the spectrum, I need a lot of time alone, and my brain doesn’t think in abstract numbers, so I guess right now with the planned economy collapse, I am grateful I don’t understand a system based on numbers.

I have a knack for inadvertently helping people change thoughts (not always a good thing), seeing trends, and manifesting stuff (be careful what you ask for).

About this time last year, I was still living out of my car and feeling defeated after recovering from a man enhanced dis-ease and then finding out who had bought farmland in the Harquahala Mountains in AZ. I have never been a competitive person but at that time I told whoever is hearing my prayers to find a way to help me get land of my own and prove that bastard and his oligarch friends wrong. Of course, I felt delusional because I had lost what little savings I had and lost my perfect credit score for the 3rd time due to illness and a feckless judicial system. A few months ago, in a very unexpected way, I was able to find a private loan and now am the sole owner of land with a well in the middle of the Aquarius Mountains…the first time I walked on it, I realized I was in the middle of a dream I had about 5 years ago. The only thing missing now are the people who see the vision and ready to act on it…I still feel delusional…

[RionaAndLogan]

I’m someone who chose Christianity young and has stuck with it. Its something that, for me, has been verysustaining in a life full of challenges. I’m someone who has multiple disabilities and big dreams. Some of them won’t happen, some of them haven’t happened and I’ve put them away, but some of them have happened and some of them will happen in future. I always try and do my best with what I have and love those around me and use my skills and gifts for the betterment of others and of myself, my family, etc.

Re. community I want to start one, be a founder for someone else of likemind re. community vision, or join one which alligns with my community goals. My five core values for a community are:
Personal liberty,
Collaborative cooperation,
Personal responsability,
Respect and kindness for each other,
Connectedness to the earth/nature.

Yes those are kind of vague, but I’ve chosen to stay vague so I can be at least somewhat flexible and not be married to a rigid idea of what I want community to be.

I come with an adorable husband, leadership skills, mental health peer support specialist credentials and experience, group facilitation skills, resourcefulness, Celtic and fantasy singing skills (I do that professionally at various Renaissance faires/fantasy and pirate festivals), and a desire for fun and an extraverted nature.

[Humm1lity]

Hello @Lila_Heard @RionaAndLogan and the rest of you visiting this campsite,

thanks to you two for sharing your stories, and for everyone one else visiting and taking part.

There is some time since I wrote my last post, and things have naturally developed further, and I wanted to add some of that here.

I would love to say that I have discovered something I will “work through”, or shake off, but it seems it is quite the opposite. It’s more like scratching a hole in the wall, and being exposed to just a small instance of something, - which only keeps growing.

Maybe you aren’t familiar with it, but many animals have some quirk that make them act different from the rest of the flock. The penguin wandering off, the birds with bad GPS, and other animals that steer away into the distance. Similarly, in my last post here I talked about astronauts, but now I feel more like our quirk is quite intense, and ushers us not only beyond the beaten path and outside every conceptual box, but also outside life, living and the Universe itself.

It is quite scary, to be honest. At the same time, it feels much more homely than fearful.
I do understand if many might misunderstand this to mean that I’m depressed, sad or am suffering - to maybe afflicted by a cognitive dread manifesting in rejection of the world.
But, can I really love something, if I haven’t really allowed myself the possibility of letting it go? Because, if I came here, to this Earth and this Universe, of my own free will, and have stayed here for so very long - What happens when I ask again: Do I still want to continue staying here?

What if the answer is, “No I do not?” - what happens to all my hopes, dreams, wishes, aspirations - to all that I have built, failed to build, have destroyed, messed up, regret and yearn for? To all the love I have, and all the healing…

Well, I’m not giving up love, compassion, or trying to find others that might have a similar, or complementary outlook on their life. I’m living more fully, more focused, more gently - at the same time, I’m letting go, because my answer is “No, I do not”. I’m saying my farewells, every day and every night, at the same time I really yearn for those few other people that we could share the rest of our lives with - and I hope to meet them, but maybe I’ll never will?

Living life like this is more relaxing, but also much more sobering than I expected. And so, I imagine a kind of intergalactic Train waiting for us beyond this life - and this as my “last life” so to speak, and will try to live it as brightly, but also as gently as it deserves.

This was another peek behind the veil from me, and if you want to go, please be our guest.

[RionaAndLogan]

I’m glad you came back to write some more. I hope that you can find those like-minded people you seek. And please keep seeking, don’t give up. You mentioned your partner, you and they can keep seeking together. There are things in this world that are worth it, and maybe you’ll find community in the way you hope for. I still haven’t found quite the place my husband and I would be a fit for, but I slowed way down and am just observing and learning right now instead of trying to hustle our butts into something or trying to creat something right now.