I wanted to start this topic to share my thoughts, feelings and reflections on what I find deeply meaningful. I was also hoping that it could spark a simple campfire-sharing on how you got where you are in your life, and how your views have changed over the years.
I grew up in a pentecostal family, which to everyone else just means that I was “super” christian growing up. I really wanted to believe in God, and I read the bible a lot and prayed. I mostly lost that zeal after being deeply depressed, and realizing I couldn’t pray my way out of it.
Meeting the heathens and not feeling that wooly safety of God, was very, very scary. It also felt very liberating, but I also noticed that I did not fit into partying or getting drunk. I felt smaller in the world, but I also had more control. I still felt different, as I didn’t know a lot of the ‘codes’ in secular society.
I joined the Future in our hands organization for a couple of years, meeting a lot of people interested in climate-change and sustainability. I was terrified and felt stuck in the helplessness of thinking that whatever I did, it would never be without a cost. The food I ate, the life I lived, it all had a cost on nature, social costs and a cost on myself. I also noticed many similarities between preaching about God and Jesus, sin and hell, and how climate change was portrayed. It put me off as time went on.
Gradually I let my feeling of helplessness go, and managed to focus on myself, the one person I thought I could actually change. I met a long-time practitioner of Non-violent communication, and was mesmerized by her congruency, how she expressed non-aggression and assertiveness at the same time. I didn’t feel ready to practice it though, as to me it was a theory very hard to apply.
Lastly, I met my life-partner. That has been another paradigm-shift, but this time it felt more like really coming home. Not wandering throught different modes of being, but reaching a altitute where I am at peace and aiming to settle down and actually build something. Walking through pain, suffering, pure joy and healing together… And understanding how limited my own understanding of the world has been. It has been groundbreaking. Spiral Dynamics has been a useful theory to mirror some of the visions and dreams we have. Even though it is a mostly dry and theoretical framework - I like how similarly to my different paragraphs here, there are points in life on which the perspective might radically change.
For the future, I want to find other explorers, people that can and want nothing more than to work on visions that reach far into the future, and see deep connection as part of that. I want to share life with them, deeply, like astronauts on a long trek to a new and unexplored star. I also want to develop my underdeveloped abilities, things like practical things - Permaculture, programming - but also being emotional, vulnerable and more structured. Having understood how vastly life can change, but also understanding and connecting with myself more deeply - I know that there are possibly very few people able to genuinely share this meta-journey with us. There is an expectant sorrow there, that is existential and goes into my bones. This was a peek behind the veil from me. Anyone want to go next?